I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
