Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
