I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
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She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
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Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
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