if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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