she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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