I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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