I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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