When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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