Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
