hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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