Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
