mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
