Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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