Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
