I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
