I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
