if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
His nipple licking is glorious
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