it hurts more in the daytime
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
