Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
