Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
