Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
