I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
