the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
