My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
