He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
