wakey wakey hands off snakey
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
