dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
