so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
