Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
