I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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