i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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