did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
