They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
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This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
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"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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