i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
