Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
