Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Randomize
