: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
