I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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