My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
