Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
