This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
