He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad