I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
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I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
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You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
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