Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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