the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
