Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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