im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
