I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
why didn't you poke me back
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
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