oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
