You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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