jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
