had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
