you turned your livingroom into a bong?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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