My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
