my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
